Saturday, April 4, 2009

Happy B’day to you

My aunt used to tell me that 12 o’ clock in the night is when the ghosts and the spirits come out. Even the thousands of Indian horror movies have certified that. Times have changed. They don’t come out anymore. Instead there is another breed of people that roam around during this hour. The birthday buddies. Come the birthday of a group member, there they are roaming around with a box in their hand.


I never celebrated my birthday by cutting cake in my childhood. The B’day celebration would include distribution of chocolates in the class, wearing “color dress” to school and the umpteen numbers of namaskarams that I would be doing to get the ashirvadams. I used to wish that there was a b’day party where I would cut cake, people would sing for me. Now I wish quite the opposite. What is the deal with the 12 o’ clock cake cutting? Like Seinfeld would say, “The only thing that happened between your last b’day and this is that you have made it alive. Is that what you are celebrating?”.


People are going crazy with the B’day celebrations. So I thought of listing down the 7 commandments of b’day celebrations.

1.       The cake:  Costs anything from 250 – 500 Rs depending upon the number of friends. Not because everyone should get a piece, but because everyone would contribute that much. This cake is not to be eaten. Wastage of food doesn’t bother anyone. The cake has to be smashed into the face. And if possible put on the B’day babies ear, nose, hair and where not.  And the candle on top of the cake – Trust me it is a painful sight to see them growing so fast so soon.

Hint: Why not try chappati mavu(guuta hua aata) next time?


2.       The B’day song: There would be one person in the group who would be singing it out loud. The closest bud of the B’day boy/girl. Everyone else would be like hurrying it through, to try and get the piece of cake. You gotta realize that just by singing happy b’day to you, his/her day is not going to be happy. He/she just got a year older.

Hint: Why not sing his/her favorite song.


3.       The B’day Bumps: Now that sounds sensible. The guy/girl would have made resolutions and would have surely broken them. This sounds like an apt punishment. Anyways, people take this too seriously. The friends start gymming 10 days before the b’day to get as much power as possible in the kicks. I have seen the worst of beating up in the name of bumps. Happy b’day it is.

Hint: The idea is to throw the person up and not catch him on the last count. Not to kick his butt out.


4.       The gifts: I have seen the worst of fights arising because of the gifts. The contri part is tricky. You have to buy different things for different people in the same budget. This is no joke. Even the best of financial planners would give up on this.

Hint: Why not just pool in the whole amount for the year and plan a trip?


5.       The cleaning up: Do you realize how disheartening it is to start every year of your life by cleaning up the cake left over? And that too with a pain in the butt. You will smell of chocolate even when people are sending in the belated b’day wishes.

Hint: Try rotten tomatoes next time.


6.       The photos: This is a must. Get the pictures of your un-identifiable face and put them on orkut/facebook. The scarier the picture, the more the number of comments you get.

Hint: Don’t put up your ugly pic on display!!!


7.       The wishes: People whom you have forgotten would come and wish you. Not because they remember your b’day. But because they saw your b’day listed on their orkut calendar. If you change the date on orkut, they still will wish you on the changed date. Should appreciate their love for you.

Hint: Give them a call. They deserve that much!



Celebrate the birthdays with a difference. Try doing things the b’day boy/girl would like to do. This would make it a happy birthday.




Song for the occasion: I don’t want no cake on my b’day – Flo-Rida