Ab Bus !

I like travelling a lot. And I even remember putting a request to Mr.Ganapati , saying, I would like to travel a lot; Go around the world, see different places. And as the request went through the atmosphere and the galaxies, the latter part got evaporated. The end result – I find myself in a bus, train or a flight every weekend. And as usual, here I am analyzing the nuances of each mode of the travel.

The Bus:

The VOLVO group unveiled a statue of the person in Sweden, who suggested the expansion of their buses in Indian market! When you are thinking of taking those Volvo buses, think again. They are the easiest method to slip your spine disk. And still if you are taking it, add at least 4 hours to the running time that the duration the travels people tell you. Every highway in India is under construction, always. Make sure you say an extra prayer before you board the bus. This is for asserting the fact that the mota uncle sitting beside you has used a deodorant. The tricky thing about the AC is that, if you open the air vent, it will be too cold and if you close it you will sweat. The choice is yours. The movies that will be on display during the travel would be the ones you hate, the ones that nobody can stand or the ones that you would have seen enough number of times. Make sure you carry a good head phone with noise cancellation to avoid a disastrous 3 hours. And travelling by bus would mean that you have to exercise your bladders. It is almost a stress test. If you have TB(Tiny Bladder), I would recommend strongly against travelling by bus.

The Train:

I love travelling by train. Or at least, I used to. The problem with the ‘developing India’ is that it is not only you who is getting richer. Everyone has the money to travel by AC class these days. And how much ever you might try; the tickets would not be available on the date on which you want to travel. You might hope that you can book through “tatkal’, but you literally have 2 minutes to crack it. But if you do manage to get hold of tickets, then what awaits you is a bunch of co-passengers who would be ready to pounce on you. From kids who would be amused by the 3 tier berths to the uncles who would want to know everything from your family background to your companies firing policy, people would be all over you. If you are feeling sleepy, then others would not and you would have to wait. If you are not feeling sleepy, then others surely would and you would have to lie there staring into the roof of the train. Do practice pranayama , since it will help you when you step into the loo.

The Flight:

Flying - The quickest and easiest way to travel from one place to another. It is quite true. But travelling to the airports would be the harder part. You would spend almost 25% of the flight ticket, if you are planning to take a cab to the airport. All the “ultra modern airports” would be constructed at the far end of the city (read as the neighboring village). You have to leave at least 2 hours before the check in time. And you will take 2 hours from the time of landing to reach your destination. So eventually you are looking at spending 8 hours for the travel. Not quite as fast a mode of travel, is it? Also with the given amount of “close shaves” the carriers are having these days, you would be having a 2 hours of tension filled travel. Try sitting near those huge fans which are present in the small carriers these days. Watching them is as good as watching “The Ring”. But yes, the two hours of the ‘check-in time’ would give you the best chance to hit on a girl. The idea is to pretend that you cannot find any other seat and sit next to her. More often than not, the girl would be wishing you would too, if you are interesting enoughJ. And of course there are the air hostesses who would give you good eye candy.

In all the above three modes of travel, there are few things that are common.

1. Murphy’s Thumb rule: Whatever be the method of travel, no interesting girl/guy, respective to the person who is travelling, shall sit next to you during the entire length of the travel. (Don’t be dumb and take a Docomo connection). Not everyone is as lucky as Aditya Kashyap !

2. The Back seat rule: Irrespective of the method of travel , there would be a baby/kid in the seat behind you, who would be screaming out loud through the entire travel

3. The mobile rule: The person next to you would be speaking at the top of his voice during the travel. I wonder how people are still stuck to the trunk- call era!

I realized that the reason behind so much travelling could be the fact that I do not like to stay in the place I am right now. So instead taking this huge amount of travelling, I think I would move out of this place. And keep hoping that the latter part of my message reaches Mr.Ganapati soon.

Happy Journey !

PS: This post originated courtesy to my friend/guru Pradeep(who wanted due credits:P)

Song for the Occasion: Musafir hun yaron, Na ghar hai na tikana

Weight and watch

“Damn, I forgot my shoes today”, “Oh, I did not eat properly in the afternoon”,“It's raining so badly, How can I go?”, “Let me start afresh from the first of next month”, “My track pants are in for a wash”....

I am sure you know what I am talking about. Excuses galore don't they, when you just do not want to go to the gym/exercise. It is the toughest fight you would have had with your mind. Endless debates as to why you should indeed put so much effort for losing/gaining 3-4 extra Kgs of fat. Eventhough your brain knows that only good can come out of keeping fit and being healthy. And when you hear the words, “ You have put down a lot”, it sounds like music to your ears.

I have donated so much to different gymnasiums across the country and even outside. In fact the Gym owners bank on people like me to run their business. People like me give the machines a run only once in a while. But it is heartening to know that I am amongst the majority. The minority being the ones who are hell bend on artistically shaping their body up. Or the ones who are frantically trying to put down weight, for their marriage would be around the corner.

I would blame the movie industry completely for this. For making people believe that your body should look like a crafted piece, with all the muscles bulging out, well toned. But you know what? These guys are paid to do so!! Nobody would pay me if I were to have a six pack abs next year. (I am paid to sit in office and write blog posts, which I do honestly) Once this fact is established, it is mighty hard to make those daily trips to the gym. The treadmill becomes the villain in your life. And a villain who always wins. You might be able to push him down once in a blue moon with the help of Linkin Park songs. But usually you fall short by 5-10 minutes and treadmill gives this evil grin. The most interesting part in the gym is that people are at their peak of comparison mode. The usual ones (from a guy's perspective at least) being: - Am I as fat as that guy? Dude, You were born in a gym? I hope I don't end up like that uncle out there! The guy is worried about the shape of the curl in his biceps- dude get a life!

Human body in itself is one of the most amazing works of craft. The fat you lose in 3-4 months can be regained in 3-4 days. Especially for people like me who can put on weight at the smell of ghee or butter. The grass theory works here too. You look at lean people who are trying to put on weight at the gym and wonder, is it that hard?! I was looking at a lean guy the other day and was wondering, “The trainer put you on what – a chocolate diet?!”. But then, to pull you back to the world of reality, they have intelligently kept mirrors all around the gym. Your focus comes back to the layer that is hanging out of your tummy. If it was only running the miles, then you might just have done it. But they ask you to eat healthy – meaning not eat at all. Again we are fighting the roots of our mankind and animal instincts here. Have you ever seen an elephant taking a push up or trying to hang by the tree to lose a few pounds? Or a buffalo thinking, damn I am looking fat on my cheeks, let me skip the free hay stack that my master gave me today. And eventually you choose to “take a break” from gymming/dieting, citing better excuses.

But everything said and done, realization strikes you hard when you are in the trial room of some store. You try hard to convince yourself that you still can fit into the same waist sized trouser you did a couple of years back. But Alas! You buy some of the clothes thinking that you will pull down weight in a month's time and then you can wear it. But those clothes rarely see sunlight. And when a long lost friend comes across and tells you “Man, you have put on some weight”, hell breaks loose. The number on the weighing machine starts weighing on your mind. You are left with no choice but to slap the devil's advocate, asking it to shut up. You find the gym next to place and donate some money to it. It is an infinite loop.

Song for the occasion: Dauda Dauda bhaaga bhaaga sa

Check-Mate

He sat there looking at the huge clock that hung on the wall and the innumerous photo frames of Gods hanging around it. There was the photo of an elderly man too. Must be the restaurant owner, he thought. “Ek Masala Dosa”, he ordered to the waiter, a guy probably of his own age. The waiter stared at him as if he were from Mars. But in the two weeks he had spent there, he had learnt to live with that, for he was indeed an alien to the new place. No friends, no mummy papa, no chotu to fight with, it was getting amazingly lonely. Even more than what he felt on his first day in the college hostel.

The seat opposite to him was vacant. He was wishing for some beautiful mallu babe to come and ask him, “Can I sit here?”. He almost slapped himself for using the words mallu and babe together. He looked up as he heard a voice say, “Can I sit here?”. Only that it was male voice. A voice of a man in his late sixties. “Sure, no problem”, he said. The man ordered something in Malayalam. He could gather the word “Kaapi”, which he learnt lately was the mallu word for coffee. He looked at the clock. ‘How much more time would these guys take’, he thought.

“Have you tasted the coffee in this hotel?”, the man asked. “No”. He said politely. At least appearing to be so. “Oh you must. It is one of the best in the world. I have been having it for over 40 years now”, the man said.

’40 years, the same coffee, may be I should take him to CCD some time and show him what real coffee is’. “I went to café coffee day the other day”, continued the man, “with my Niece’s daughter. She forced me actually. The coffee was not bad, I must say. But Rs.35 for a coffee, is a bit too much. Don’t you think so?” . He felt stupid. “I guess”, he said. “But times are changing uncle”. “Yes Yes. I do agree”, the old man concluded.

In a husky voice, the man said,“I assume that you are new to the city. Otherwise you wouldn’t have come to this shop and that too alone, would you?”. He was finding it hard to decrypt the accent filled English. Ah, the Dosa at last. I hope I finish this fast before uncle goes on with his lecture. “Yes. I am new to the city, and I don’t think I will stay here for too long” he muttered before digging into the Dosa.

“I know. You must be feeling lonely, right. It is pretty difficult to eat alone. I have been doing that for 15 years now. Since the time my wife left me”, the old man was looking outside as he spoke. ‘Fifteen years?! ‘he thought. “But do not worry”, the old man continued, ”Life will teach you to live with it, until you find a way out”. “I hope so uncle”, he smiled. This time, only that the smile was genuine. “I live in the St.Martin’s road. You can come to my place if at all you get bored. Do you play chess?”. ‘Chess?’, he thought, ‘is this a coincidence ? ’. “Yes uncle. I am pretty good at it”. “Okay. So why don’t you come over. We will have a game?”. “Sure”, he said, but of course he cannot have an uncle friend. ‘ I am trying to get a life here’, he thought. “I know, you are not going to come. You must be thinking it will be boring to be with the old man. Anyways, my time is up. I have to get going. Door number 18/885, if you do decide to come. Welcome anytime”. The man stood up. “Oh, by the way, I am Narayanan Iyer. Nice meeting you. What is your name?”. “Ashwin” he said. As Mr. Iyer was leaving, he was thinking. ‘Man, what is he? A psychic or something’. But there was some charm about the old man, that struck him badly. And now that the man predicted, he wouldn’t come, he decided, ‘Let me prove him wrong. A game of chess shouldn’t hurt. How long has it been since I have been with my Queen!’.

He rang the bell at 18/885. The name board proudly read,

Narayanan Iyer, MSC

Retd Chief Engg, KSEB.

“Oh, Come come”. Mr Iyer said. “I never thought you would come you know. It is so nice of you to have come. Sit Sit. Would you like some coffee?”. “ No uncle, it’s ok, I just had. Thanks” he said. “So, how are you feeling now? Any better? That is OK. You will learn to live. Don’t worry”. Ashwin was still wondering what he was doing there. Mr Iyer said, “You know, I have cleaned my chess board and have kept it ready. Thinking just in case you do come. So shall we start? We can talk while we play too. No problem”. He almost ran in to take his most possessed treasure.

“You can take the white if you want. But I somehow like playing with white, you know”, he said. Ashwin smiled, “You can play with white, uncle. My black queen is waiting for me.” He was waiting to say the golden line that had come to his mind since that day, to someone. “Ha ha ha. Good one”, Iyer said. “I am sure you will find a good queen”. He moved his pawn. “So where are you from, North India, I suppose”. Ashwin replied, “I am from Mumbai, uncle. I am on deputation here.” . “See, my guess was right”, the man proudly said. Ashwin remembered his mallu friend telling him that for the people in south, anything above Hyderabad and Karnataka is north.

“I have been to Bombay many times”. My brother had settled there in Chembur. “He is no more though. We used to play chess together. And I always let him win, even though I could have beaten him. My daughter is also an amazing chess player. Brilliant at mathematics she was. Always used to get centum in Maths”. ‘Centum? Now what is that supposed to mean’ Ashwin thought. “She does not live with you uncle?” Ashwin asked out of curiosity. “No, no. She is in the states. My son in law is in a big post there in an American company” Iyer said, Pride drooling all over that statement”. “Oh, great”, Ashwin replied, “Why don’t you join them then?”. “No no. How can I? I am used to living here.” , almost avoiding the question. “It is nice here. This is where I have lived all my life”. Ashwin was thinking hard on his next move and without thinking much, he blurted out, “Come on uncle. This place sucks. Why would you want to be here”. Suddenly he realized that he is not supposed to say that. Mr. Iyer gave him a naughty look and said,”The new lingo. I never will understand these things. Anyways, they are not too keen on having me there too. They have their life to live now. But ya, I do feel like seeing my grandson. Such good English he speaks, you know. I don’t even understand half of what he speaks”. He laughed out loud.” I would like to teach him chess, someday.”

Ashwin did not know what to say. “It’s okay uncle. They will come back soon. Don’t worry. Check.”, he said. “Oh, I did not see that coming”, Iyer said, “But remember son, in chess, always think three steps ahead. Not one”. He took the queen with the horse and gave a quirky smile. “Damn”, moaned Ashwin. “My queen ditched me, yet again”, he joked. “You know the last time I spoke to my daughter, she was mentioning that she was going on some vacation to Europe. She is very lucky to have gotten a good alliance”.”But I wish she had come here too. Feel like seeing my grandson”. A tiny droplet rolled down his face. “Uncle, now I feel like a coffee. Can you ask your maid to make some for me?” Ashwin interrupted, trying to take the old man’s mind away from his train of thoughts. “Sure, why not? You should try the filter coffee here in the south. It is the best”, he said.

The game was almost over when the old man had attacked his queen, but Ashwin kept fighting. And in the end he had to give up. “I used to be the champion in my University, uncle. I guess, I have lost touch. Don’t play much these days”. The old man looked up and said. “You know Ashwin, it is really hard for me to accept the fact that, I do not play chess like I used to. I gave up very easily. When I look back at life, I have given up so much. Especially, things close to me. Don’t take it as an advice, but never give up on something that you like. Whatever the situation might be. Do things that you want to do. It is a very helpless feeling, when you look back at your life and you feel you have not done the things that you like. Don’t become another Narayanan Iyer”. Ashwin felt like someone had just slapped him real hard. He said, “I wish I could be half of what you are uncle. I still think only one step ahead, while you think three, remember?”. Mr. Iyer laughed. As he said goodbye that day, Ashwin promised to come the next Sunday too, his work permitting.

And he kept his promise. He was there the next Sunday, only to find the house locked. He was almost going to leave when something told him to take another look. He opened the gate and went in. But there was no reply. As he was getting out, the letter box attached the gate, half broke had a letter in it. He just took and to his surprise, it was addressed to him. He opened it and read, “Dear Ashwin, I know you would keep your promise. But, I am sorry I cannot do the same. I am not keeping well, andmy niece’s daughter is taking me along with her. I am not sure we will meet again, but my blessings will always be with you. I hope you do get a good queen. With Love, Narayanan Iyer”

Ashwin kept staring at the letter. And started walking towards the main road. The old man’s image kept flashing across his mind. He felt like talking to his dad, for some reason.

The deputation was over, and he was having mixed reactions while he left the place. It had taught him a lot of things. And as he stood at the first platform, waiting for his train, he felt happy that he was going home. He had at least half an hour left with him, before the train arrived. He decided to finish the crossword in THE HINDU. As he was scrolling through the paper, looking for the crossword page, he suddenly stopped seeing something in the paper. It was Mr.Iyer’s photograph. It read,

OBITUARY

Narayanan Iyer

Retd Chief Engineer, KSEB

In loving memory of our dear father.

Jayashree & Bharat

.

Keep Moving

“ People who go places are the ones who keep moving” - Heard this quote a long back while I was in school. I guess subconsciously I took a liking to this phrase. For, since then, I have been moving from one place to another like a nomad. Well, almost like one.

I was at the Bangalore airport when a guy asked me, “So, where are you from?”. I was stumped by the question. I could have blindly said trivandrum, where I was born and brought up. But I had left the place a decade back. I was living in Pune and was moving to Cochin on a transfer. And I was going via Bangalore. I really couldn't figure out an answer.

Moving from one place to another is mighty hard. You leave back everything of that place except the memories. The first few days it could be really hard on you. I almost felt, I have been given a punishment transfer. Once you live in a place for a long period, you start to associate yourself to that place like I did to Pune. And when I got out of the place, I felt misplaced. I felt like I am a misfit in the mallu land, where I had spent all my childhood. Strange but true. And may be if I were to leave this place to go to another, say, after 5 years, I might miss this place too.

You start with the people. The friends you have been hanging around with day in and day out. Suddenly when you are having dinner alone in a small restaurant, it hits you like a bullet. You wouldn't any more be cracking jokes with them or be on the lookout for a chance to pull each others' legs. The problem with growing up is that, making friends becomes really hard. You keep comparing new people with the people who have been with you for a long while. And if you are leaving your family behind to stay in the new place, then God help you.

The strange thing is that the things you craved for about another place, doesn't make too much difference when you get there. Like for instance, getting a good Dosa in Pune was like going on a treasure hunt. But here in cochin, I have access to Dosa more than I have access to my mail box! But still you tend to feel that when you get something after a bit of craving, it tastes much better!Now I have started missing poha! Even though I am in the heartland of amazing temples, I miss the DP road ganpati(whom I used to call Maula). The green is never good to us. It moves to the other side, as we move to this.

As I keep pondering over where I would “settle down” in life, I keep getting more confused. Every place has its pros and cons. So should I chose Bangalore's climate over Chennai's heat. Or should I chose Pune's feel home over Bangalore's congestion. Or should I stick to cochin's nearness to home over Pune's distance. Or should I choose Chennai's warmth over Cochin's laid back attitude. Tough call.

So let me end this post with a few random observations of the new place(Cochin).

>>People for some reason blink their eyes while smiling at you.
>>The florists display reeth(funeral flower) in front of their shops.
>>The bus drivers honk like a pianist playing his final act in a concert.
>>There are more bakeries than atms.
>>Shops close at 8.30 P.M and remain fully closed on Sundays.
>>Guys never insert their shirts into trousers/jeans.Girls wear jeans with kurta.
>>The word "Villa" must have originated from here, for the houses over here are sooo huge.
>>Liqour is available only in government run shops and the queue for buying it is never ending.

There are certain other observations that I rather not put on display in a public forum :)


Song for the Occassion: Idhar chala main , udhar chala, jaane kahan main kidhar chala!

Happy B’day to you

My aunt used to tell me that 12 o’ clock in the night is when the ghosts and the spirits come out. Even the thousands of Indian horror movies have certified that. Times have changed. They don’t come out anymore. Instead there is another breed of people that roam around during this hour. The birthday buddies. Come the birthday of a group member, there they are roaming around with a box in their hand.

 

I never celebrated my birthday by cutting cake in my childhood. The B’day celebration would include distribution of chocolates in the class, wearing “color dress” to school and the umpteen numbers of namaskarams that I would be doing to get the ashirvadams. I used to wish that there was a b’day party where I would cut cake, people would sing for me. Now I wish quite the opposite. What is the deal with the 12 o’ clock cake cutting? Like Seinfeld would say, “The only thing that happened between your last b’day and this is that you have made it alive. Is that what you are celebrating?”.

 

People are going crazy with the B’day celebrations. So I thought of listing down the 7 commandments of b’day celebrations.

1.       The cake:  Costs anything from 250 – 500 Rs depending upon the number of friends. Not because everyone should get a piece, but because everyone would contribute that much. This cake is not to be eaten. Wastage of food doesn’t bother anyone. The cake has to be smashed into the face. And if possible put on the B’day babies ear, nose, hair and where not.  And the candle on top of the cake – Trust me it is a painful sight to see them growing so fast so soon.

Hint: Why not try chappati mavu(guuta hua aata) next time?

 

2.       The B’day song: There would be one person in the group who would be singing it out loud. The closest bud of the B’day boy/girl. Everyone else would be like hurrying it through, to try and get the piece of cake. You gotta realize that just by singing happy b’day to you, his/her day is not going to be happy. He/she just got a year older.

Hint: Why not sing his/her favorite song.

 

3.       The B’day Bumps: Now that sounds sensible. The guy/girl would have made resolutions and would have surely broken them. This sounds like an apt punishment. Anyways, people take this too seriously. The friends start gymming 10 days before the b’day to get as much power as possible in the kicks. I have seen the worst of beating up in the name of bumps. Happy b’day it is.

Hint: The idea is to throw the person up and not catch him on the last count. Not to kick his butt out.

 

4.       The gifts: I have seen the worst of fights arising because of the gifts. The contri part is tricky. You have to buy different things for different people in the same budget. This is no joke. Even the best of financial planners would give up on this.

Hint: Why not just pool in the whole amount for the year and plan a trip?

 

5.       The cleaning up: Do you realize how disheartening it is to start every year of your life by cleaning up the cake left over? And that too with a pain in the butt. You will smell of chocolate even when people are sending in the belated b’day wishes.

Hint: Try rotten tomatoes next time.

 

6.       The photos: This is a must. Get the pictures of your un-identifiable face and put them on orkut/facebook. The scarier the picture, the more the number of comments you get.

Hint: Don’t put up your ugly pic on display!!!

 

7.       The wishes: People whom you have forgotten would come and wish you. Not because they remember your b’day. But because they saw your b’day listed on their orkut calendar. If you change the date on orkut, they still will wish you on the changed date. Should appreciate their love for you.

Hint: Give them a call. They deserve that much!

 

 

Celebrate the birthdays with a difference. Try doing things the b’day boy/girl would like to do. This would make it a happy birthday.

                                                                                 

 

 

Song for the occasion: I don’t want no cake on my b’day – Flo-Rida